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I didn't really know how I should act or respond to others and different situations.  I mean, everyone else seemed to know what they were doing, me, I just seemed to fumble through the day aimlessly.  I would watch how the other kids would act, their mannerisms, their expressions, etc and I would copy them, so I would appear to understand what was going on around me, even though at times I had absolutely no idea what they were on about. I now know that this was me masking.

 

I was the clumsy one.  Forever falling over.  I'd trip over everything, and I still do to this day. I can spot a ladybird on a leaf 10 foot away but will fall over the boulder right in front of me.   I was the overly sensitive one.  The one who threw tantrums and felt misunderstood.  I didn't feel like I fitted in, anywhere, I felt like the "black sheep." I got diagnosed with OCD in my late teens, along with chronic depression, chronic anxiety and mild tourette's in my adult life. I have struggled most of my life with anxiety, and even as a child was extremely nervous and would feel sick, have stomach aches a lot. And was on medication for hyperactivity.

 

At the age of 52, in February this year, I was diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD. This was the day of unveiling.  The day I found out who this girl really was, who she'd grown to become and who she'd lost in the process. I was so happy and relieved to know that I wasn't "weird," I wasn't somehow "less" I was, in fact, Autistic! What a truly freeing moment it was when I heard those words!  That's who I am, that's the little girl who had been trapped for all those years. The precious little one who just wanted to fit in and be accepted and understand. I was free, free to be that child that I should have been. I could now accept the "real " me!!  

 

Over the next few weeks, my elation seemed to dull and made room for a deep feeling of grief.  Grief for my younger self.  The child who had to put her real identity behind her and put on a magnificent performance of the sorts.  The child I could have been if only we'd known.  But of course that couldn't happen.   So I prayed a lot and trusted a lot. And realised it was time to put on my big girl pants on, accept it, and move forward, making the rest of my life a true representation of me. No more masking, no more pretending, just the real me. I no longer have to hide my true identity!  And it feels amazing!!!!!!

 

So for me, I now embrace the things I do, the stimming, the arm flapping, the childlike views of life, my quirkiness, my in-depth love and obsession for animals, the bare feet whenever possible and even the vacant stares when I have no clue what's going on.  You know what?  Now I can accept them all, I love them all, I love who I am, I love that I now make no excuses for who I am and I am embracing "me" with both hands.  Taking off all the masks that have been repeatedly placed on my face over time. I FINALLY ACCEPT ME! AND I NOW LOVE ME! I am who I am, and I'm ok with that. I am learning so much about myself and look forward to learning more!

 

The saying goes......Different, not less!!